Before I begin; Is anyone else like me? Do your thoughts feel like they push against your forehead? Forcing you to liberate them from the walls of your skull and onto a page? This is also why I write. Tell me why it always has to be in the wee hours of the night? I.e. 3:47AM as it currently is right now.
This blog post is inspired by a conversation with my sister and then with my husband. With my sister, it started as “all the ways I feel inadequate”. Theres always something I need to change/improve. Not in a I-wanna-be-the-best-version-of-myself kind of way, but in a my-life-is-totally-unsatisfactory-without-this-change kind of way. The difference is that these thoughts never really leave me and when they hit me, they hit me hard! With a wave of desperation, frustration, insatiety and unhappiness in my life! “You havent sorted this out yet?!?!?!?” I ask myself in disbelief. Some of these things include:
1. Forever wanting a better prayer life / study time with God. Is it not sad that in all my years of being a Christian and a mature one (I think)I have never gone more than a month with a consistent prayer and bible study time?
As I am typing this I am thinking to myself the bible scripture that says: “This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting.” I need to seriously take this to God.
Does anyone else feel empty, unaccompanied, unjustified, uncertain without a consistent prayer life. Follow my train of thought — I am nothing without God. I am faulty in all my ways because my flesh is faulty. The only thing that redeems me is the spirit of the living God living inside of me. The faultiness of humans is such that many times we are completely unaware and ignorant of our wrongs. How then can I be certain of the goodness of decisions that I make and the opinions that I hold if I am not constantly connected to God? If I am not continuously feeding this spirit within me?
Ohhh but this shall not be my portion forever! Can I get an amen?
2. Ever since having my daughter, losing some inches has taken a totally different meaning in my life. It’s honestly like the thoughts have created a physical place in my mind (AND THEY DONT EVEN PAY RENT!). Yet another thing I can not seem to be consistent with; daily exercise and healthy eating. Oh but the way it makes me feeeellll when I think of it. This problem is even more exacerbated by seeing other mothers who have ‘come out on the other side’, remaining consistent with their weight loss and body goals journey. Those who have ‘bounced back’ as they say. I was never the fittest girl ehh, but I see it now! My saggy stomach, my stretch marks, the numbers on that scale — all constant, ugly, reminders that I am not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be.
3. More discipline in my life Jesus!!! Like, can 90% of my days feel accomplished? According to plan? Am I asking for too much?
4. I longggg to be an accomplished entrepreneur. I want to start something that works, something I can be proud of. And the deadlines I’ve given myself, they better not come and go! If you’re anything like me and you’ve tried to start any sort of idea, you know the days are like roller coasters. There are days of complete certainty, complete belief in your project! And there are days of utter doubt! But why do we that fam? Why do we doubt God like that? Personally I have already received my go ahead from God. But come and see me shake like a leaf on my days of doubt. Procrastination you are not my portion! What a slap in the face of God!
5. Last but not least, drum roll please financial stability. Mhen I’m tired of counting pennies (figure of speech).
But you know the devil is a liar. And hes a sleek liar you know that? He tells you lies he knows you can agree with. He only shows you incomplete versions of yourself. But chiiillleeee (in my Sarah Jake’s Robert’s voice), You is complete! You is well rounded! You is the apple of God’s eye!!! (In my Viola Davis in ‘The Help’ voice)
Please leave a comment if you identify with any of these and let me know which one. If not, let me know what are some ways in which you feel ‘unsatisfactory’.
Leave a Reply