It’s crazy how you can seem so real and so unreal to me at the same time. I have both never known you and yet, known you all my life.
I can’t believe that in a couple of days, I get to see you face to face. The gift that God prepared for me even before I breathed my first breath.
I wanna soak this moment in.
This moment of great evidence, where the spiritual and the natural collide. I get to offer you safe passage into this world, but I am not your maker. I have little to no understanding of where you were before this and why your time is now.
But He…
Even before He formed you in your mother’s womb, He knew you.
I think of what it will be like, of when and how you will come into this world, of what you will look like, of what we will call you, of what character you will take on, of what will define you.
I think of how I will love you. And how others will love you too.
I also think of how others will hate you, how some will misjudge you and misunderstand you, and how some will hurt you. I think of the fact that my infinite love will not be enough to keep you from this pain. I think of how sometimes my greatest show of love will be a silent prayer. I think of times when words will not be enough, and of times when words will be too much.
I think of times when I will fail you, when I will be the source of your pain. Of times when I will lack understanding of what you’re going through and the times you’re growing in. I think of times when my best of intentions will fall short.
I think of the type of family you will grow up in, the type of environment we will create for you. I wonder if it will be calm and soothing, or whether it will be loud and demanding. I wonder how strict I will be, what corners I will cut, what hurdles I will climb, in the pursuit of your happiness.
One thing you can count on, is that God has taught me in recent years to be more aware of my weaknesses. And to be open to the ones that I may not be aware of. He has taught me to be gentle with myself and these weaknesses, to remind myself that the entire vessel (flaws and all) is required for the journey.
So I promise that I will see you. And when I can’t see you, I will repent of my inability to do so.
My greatest hope is that there is an imprint on your DNA that always maps your way back to Him.
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