Today hits different. It’s now the 5th time I celebrate Mother’s Day. And there are 2 of you. 2 little humans who call me Mama.
Micah is still at the stage where he does it 700x a day. Every time it’s about to get annoying I’m reminded of how beautiful it is. That he sees the world through my eyes first. To him, every unknown object is first “Mama” until it’s able to bear its own name. Every new word has to be heard by Mama, like Mama did you also know this word existed? Every new trick has to be seen by Mama, like Mama look what is now possible?? I can say Woof Woof, i can do a new dance, i can comb my hair. Every new place has to be experienced by Mama, like Mama is the confine through which every thing is made possible, acceptable, and comfortable. Like places, things and words are no longer scary or daunting in Mama’s presence. So the 529th time I hear ‘Mama’ in a day, I still look to you in awe of who I get to be because of you.
It’s true that you are just a little human and everything in your life has been decided for you. But He chose me for you and sometimes I believe thats more a gift to me than it is to you. One of my earliest memories of you is lying in the hospital bed, exhausted, dreading having another go at this breastfeeding thing because it was not easier the second time around, it still hurt exactly how i remembered it hurting! I literally fed you in tears during our first bonding moment. As i lay in bed and watched you sleep 3 hrs, 4 hrs and more on your first night, i could not gather the strength to wake you, and i felt you say to me, Mama it’s okay. You can rest! I will be okay!
And you my firstborn. The one who called me Mama first. The one I call precious, colourful, beautiful. It is through you that I first experienced the competing nervousness and excitement that live inside of you the moment the two faded lines appear. There are so many places we didn’t get it right, but to you, we are perfect. We are heroes, we are supernatural. I watch you walk around this world colourfully. I watch you take up all your space unapologetically, bask in your innocence and curiosity, wow your surroundings and be wowed in return. And i know that we could not go wrong with you. That you are worth every sacrifice. We would do it all again, just to hear you laugh, to see you dance, to answer yet another question, to watch you be you in the best way possible.
Being a mama is having your heart live outside of your body, and carelessly at that. I love caring for you, from near and from far. There’s nothing more human and divine than this, having a reason to live and die.
And to the one I never got to meet. Wow the lessons you taught me in the short time you were with me. You simultaneously rocked my world and grounded my faith at the same time. You allowed me to go places i never thought i could go AND come back from. Thank you, for making me strong and weak, resilient and soft, mighty and scared. Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to be all parts of me at the same time. Thank you for helping me understand that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
And to the ones I’m yet to meet. When God says when, I’ll be here. Not ready but grateful. Not prepared but always learning. Not perfect but true.
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