Here. I feel it coming. The shutting down. I wanna shut down!
So many opportunities booked for this month but in this very moment, motivation is gone and I just want to retreat to my cocoon and not face the world at all for at least a week.
I want to go, and dwell on my disappointment. I want to go, and dwell on things not going the way i planned, orchestrated, prayed, sought God’s approval about, thought i had gotten God’s approval about!
This feels like such a blow!
Everything being orchestrated to a T, like this piece depends on this piece, which depends on this piece, which depends on this piece. And Point A must be set in motion at Time A for Point B to take the time it has been known to take to get me to Point C before Time D.
Thats how much i thought i knew what would happen in my life in the next 12 months.
God laughed… I guess
I don’t imagine Him so much laughing (given that this hurts and confuses me at the same time) as much as I imagine Him saying: ‘Baby girl, My plan, not yours!’
But honestly Daddy, I though this was your plan. I thought we were in agreement.
‘It’s not that it is a bad plan’ (I imagine him saying), ‘but not like this, not in this timing. It’s not no, it’s not yet, or not now. I know you feel disappointed but remember that I see what you can’t see and my goal is to cause everything to work together for your good.’
Let’s talk about that retreating that is feeling like the only thing I wanna do in this moment.
As I further explore that path, I am given the grace of remembering what it would feel like once my week of retreat is over. I would’ve canceled all the good things that God has set in motion for me in this season in order to accomplish this retreat. At the end of however long it takes me to cocoon and come back out to the world, i will feel even more empty at the non-accomplishment of my goals for this month.
This seems against our current culture of self-care-always. But sorry, not self-care-always. Sometimes goal-care! Sometimes goal-care is self-care! Sometimes future-care is self-care! Sometimes retreating is not allowed. Sometimes that moment holds no benefit to you.
Sometimes your benefit is in rising, now, not later. Saying I can’t do what I thought I would do but what other doors open themselves to me in this moment. What CAN I do?
The lyrics of Ocean come to mind:
Daddy lead me where my trust is without borders. Cause me to walk upon waters WHEREVER You desire to call me. Take me deeper than my feet could’ve ever wandered, and where my faith will be made stronger, in Your awesome presence.
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